Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Hello! Happy New Year! How are you all?

I’m winding down and gearing up to go back to work after two weeks off! Two weeks off sounds amazing doesn’t it? I thought so too. After an extremely busy and exhausting few months I was totally ready for a long break. I dreamed of all the nothing that I was going to do. Pottering, drinking coffee, writing blog posts, baking and mainly just sitting around eating chocolate and reading, but it didn’t turn out to be as much fun as I’d hoped. Instead of a dream holiday I ended up on a nightmare trip trapped in my own head with only myself for company! Help!

Holiday purgatory

What actually happened between Boxing Day and New Years Eve was that I was stricken my pure panic and anxiety. What was I supposed to do with my days? I wrote lists of all of the things and did none. Where would I begin? What should I be doing? Shouldn’t I be out running while I can? No, I should be sat knitting shouldn’t I? But surely that’s a waste of a beautiful day. We should be out somewhere making the most of the days. Everyday I would ask Joe, “what shall we do today?”. This awful, continuous chatter carried on. My brain whirred with all of the things I should and could be doing and it took me back to a time of days off past.

I used to work 4 days and every day at work I would be tense and stressed at the the thought of all of the things I could be doing at home. As soon as by days off came I would spend them anxious and overwhelmed about all of the options. If I met friends on one of the days that would give me 2 days in the house. One to clean and one to relax and so on and so forth. I thought I was rid of this process, which I think is basically a form of my anxiety, but having so much time off over Christmas brought it all back. I just couldn’t get my head around just sitting and being even though it’s the thing I dream of every working day.

The first of my days off was Christmas Day which obviously kept me really busy so doing nothing on Boxing Day felt so good. But I didn’t actually do nothing. I washed and hoovered and mopped and sat and drank tea inbetween. I actually enjoyed all of the tidying because I knew I didn’t have to be at work the next day so could get some rest in.

I baked for love rather than to pay the rent.

New Year’s Eve was even worse. Surely we should be in a log cabin surrounded by all of our nearest and dearest, drinking champagne, eating lobster and setting off fireworks (did I mention I’m a dreamer?). We left it later and later to plan anything until in the end, in a grump, I agreed to go for some food with Joe. I text my little sister to see what she was doing “staying in and playing board games” was the reply. Pffft! I wasn’t going to let my sister stay home alone on NYE! I was suddenly excited, my life had purpose again. I called the restaurant and booked her and my nephew onto our table and then called her and told her to get her glad rags on (well, just to get out of her pyjamas).

Lessons learned

What started as a day of uncertainty ended in me wearing a crocodile mask and trying to munch foam fish up off the floor. It’s then that I realised that although it’s cliched, it really is about the small things. I don’t have to be doing all of the things or the best thing or be doing completely nothing. I just need to learn to be in the moment and enjoy the present.

On New Year’s Day I wrote a proper list of things I can and actually want in the quiet moments of my time and I started doing them. A long, blustery walk on the beach, dinner with family, house maintenance, reading, listening to podcasts.

I’ve realised that my idea of nothing doesn’t have to be actually nothing. I can walk, cook, read, watch Netflix, do yoga, see friends, clean the house, pop to the shops. These are all gentle little nothings that happen to be somethings and if I need tiny nothings then so be it. There is no right way to live, it’s whatever works for each individual. I need balance. I’m happy with a couple of days not doing a lot if I know I have something planned for later in the week. I’m hoping that the next time I have some time off I can simply enjoy it because surely that’s the point?