Everything I know about boundaries

Ahh, boundaries. They sound so uptight and exclusionary but they’re absolutely necessary if we’re to live happy and somewhat peaceful lives. I tend to share a lot on my stories about them rather than actually talk about it from experience and that’s because it’s something I have only learned to implement within the last four years. I’ve decided four years is enough for me to share the little that I’ve learned.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brené Brown

A people pleaser? Moi?

Before I had realised that boundaries were a thing I was often described as a push over. “Ask Roxy to do it, she won’t mind”. And it was true, I didn’t mind. I’d go as far as saying I liked my title of “push over” as unbeknownst to me I was also a people pleaser. As long as people liked me I was happy. But what ends up happening is you start to get tired from allowing others to walk all over you and as you start to feel the effects of others behaviour you start to get angry with them and yourself for letting it happen.

The thing about people pleasing is that you allow the behaviour to continue and therefore it’s not really fair to be angry with the people pushing your boundaries if you’ve never made it clear that you have any boundaries in the first place and how can you put some in place when you don’t even know what they are? Phew!

Confusing, right?

A few years ago with the help of CBT I realised there were people around me doing things that didn’t make me feel good. These were not being done on purpose which meant in order for it to stop it had to be me who made the change. And let me tell you, it takes a while. The people who are used to treating you a certain way don’t react well to the sudden change. They might keep pushing for the same outcome they used to get, but eventually they see that it’s not about them and they finally accept the new changes and their behaviour around you changes, even if they haven’t realised it.

Epiphany

“People can’t give their opinion if you don’t share your business with them”.

Nedra Tawwab

A big one for me was finding out that I was not only allowing my boundaries to be pushed, I was encouraging them. I recall talking to my therapist about a certain person in my life who constantly gave feedback that made me anxious. The answer was so simple I was shocked! She told me that if I knew this person always reacted this way than I should stop telling them things that I knew would cause this reaction. My mind was blown! So I stopped. I carefully selected what to talk about and I also stopped asking their opinion on certain subjects because in doing so I was creating space for them to give the feedback that I didn’t want. Unbelievably it worked! If you think you’ve been doing something similar, try it. I promise you, it works.

Speak up

If you avoid the conflict to keep the peace you start a war inside yourself

Glennon Doyle

The really important thing to remember about boundaries is that you have to put them in place either by asking for what you need or just creating some yourself. Then you have to practise them and stick to them. By asking I mean just that, say what you need out loud, calmly and confidently. If you don’t feel you can, this is when practices come in. For example someone keeps texting you with gossip/drama and you don’t want to be involved. If you don’t feel like you can ask them to stop you can just stop responding to those kinds of messages. Eventually they’ll stop when they don’t get the reaction they are looking for.

Where you can I would recommend that you ask though. An actual example that happened to me recently is that someone I love, respect and know is a kind person sent me a message that triggered my anxiety. Instead of being upset or angry (after all, they didn’t have a clue that it had upset me ) I asked if they’d mind not sending that kind of thing in the future without a gentle discussion/heads up first as I’d felt a little anxious recently and found it a little upsetting. The person was of course completely understanding and responded by apologising for upsetting me and acknowledging my request. Anxiety can fool you into thinking they may be mad at you but most of the time they won’t be. If they are, that’s on them.

It’s not me, it’s you

“No, is a complete sentence.”

Anne Lamont

Sometimes the response when you tell someone they have upset you is for them to feel attacked, maybe embarrassed. The ego plays a big part in this. But if we can control the ego and see this isn’t about us but about the person we have upset it’s much easier to apologise for upsetting the person or at least accept that you have upset them. I think this is a super important step in understanding not just our own boundaries but those of other people.

People who react badly to your boundaries are usually put out because they can no longer get what they want. It could be as obvious as they can no longer use you for something that benefits them, i.e. call you up to work with an hours notice or it could be something they’re not conscious of, i.e. their own need to control a situation that is halted by you putting boundaries in place. Either way, other people don’t get to choose what upsets you. Whether they are intentionally trying to upset you or not you can still be upset by another persons behaviour.

What boundaries can look like

• Saying no
• Turning off notifications on your phone
• Not answering work emails after 6pm (or whatever time you choose)
• Outlining to guests what is and isn’t acceptable in your home.
• Muting accounts on social media
• Unfollowing accounts on social media
• Stepping away from people who drain your energy
• Being specific about your needs
• Asking that people don’t discuss your private life
• Keeping some thing to yourself or people you trust to hold space for you
• Making time for yourself

There is so much more to say on this subject but I’m in no way an authority. Everything I’ve learned is based on my own experiences. There are a couple of things I’d like recommend though.

Brené Brown is a professor, author and speaker who talks candidly about vulnerability, including boundaries. I love just about everything she does and I highly recommend looking her up https://brenebrown.com/

I also love Maisie Hill, author of Period Power. She has a podcast of the same name which has an awesome episode on Boundaries which you can find here https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/period-power/id1545856324

And lastly I follow Nedra Tawwab on Instagram. She’s a therapist and Boundaries expert and everything she posts resonates with me. You can find her here https://instagram.com/nedratawwab?igshid=q1t1u9iijxtq

If any of this resonates with you I’d love to hear your tips/experiences. I also promise to give more attention to this space. This is the first blog I’ve written in forever and it felt sooo good to let it all out and get it all down. So thank you for reading and keep an eye out for my next post.

Happy Tuesday and don’t forget to start setting those boundaries right now!

Love, Roxy.