The build up

I have no idea what I’m doing. I say this a lot and think it even more. I’m sat on my bed surrounded by holiday clothes (that I’m supposed to be putting away) and I’ve found myself doing this instead. My first ever blog post!

If I carry on with this blog my procrastination will probably be a recurring theme. It happens a lot.

I’m starting this blog because I’ve spent years pondering things but not daring to say them out loud in case I was somehow, I don’t know, wrong?

*I need to add here that since starting this post it’s now the next morning. I’m sat on the sofa somewhere between making tea, baking cookies and contemplating my entire life. Told you I was good at procrastination*

Anyway, I didn’t used to be that way. I remember as a teenager I was on the path to being my true self. A natural feminist, confident in my own style – I lived on a council estate and was the ONLY person wearing tie dye skirts with bells on in a sea of Ellesse and Kappa tracksuits – and I didn’t care what anyone thought of me!

I don’t know what silenced that young, confident, curious girl. Society? Peers? Teenage motherhood?

I was lost for a very long time, most of my life. It got so bad I couldn’t see me at all. I didn’t know what to wear, what I liked, what I was supposed to be doing, who I was supposed to be and I got so overwhelmed by it all that it ultimately ended with a bit of a break down (in the attic of my parents house where I was back living).

That was a couple of years ago and since then – after therapy and medication – I can feel her coming back. It’s a slow process but it’s happening. So rather than a break down I now prefer to think of it as a build up.

Who’s coming with me?