The elephant in the room.

Ok, before we get into the really important blogging stuff like the hair that keeps growing out of my chin or the latest bargain in the middle aisle in Aldi we need to talk about mental health. My mental health in particular. So make yourself a cup of tea, get comfortable and let’s get this over with, like ripping of a plaster (or a facial wax strip).

The beginning.

I was always an anxious child. I used to worry about absolutely everything. It was the 90s and the gulf war and atomic bombs absolutely terrified me. If I laughed at an inappropriate joke I would torture myself and be convinced something bad would happen to me. I was 100% sure I would wake up one day and my mum wouldn’t be there so I had a little saying I’d repeat every night. “Night, love you, see you in the morning. You’re not going out are you?” I said this every night without fail for a long time. Over time and I’m not sure when it must have stopped. There’s a long period of my teenage years where I was “normal”. A happy, confident, dramatic teenager.

It didn’t become a problem again until after I had my son. I was 17 when I had him and 18 or 19 when I was first put on antidepressants. No one said it could be post natal. In fact it was years later when I realised that I probably had post natal depression. I still can’t really describe how I felt but I remember I couldn’t bear to see my face in a mirror and I cried constantly. I came off the antidepressants on my own and for years I was fine. Or so I thought.

The middle.

“Having fun isn’t the same as being happy”

Bryony Gordon

Although I seemed fine, thriving in fact, it turns out that I wasn’t. I was just avoiding reality. I went out a lot, I drank a lot, I smoked a lot, I spent a lot. I went from one terrible relationship to another avoiding real commitment at all costs. But it was all fine, because at least I wasn’t depressed, right? I recently read something Bryony Gordon (who I absolutely love) quoted which was “having fun isn’t the same as being happy”. I couldn’t believe it! I repeated it over and over in my head. Having fun isn’t the same as being happy? I had tricked myself into thinking that because I was out partying every weekend and having fun I was happy but I was actually miserable and terrified and scared of rejection. Who knew?

The present.

I won’t go into the whole thing, but it took a minor break down for me to get to where I am now. It’s important for me to tell you about the present because I know a lot of people who know me/follow me think I’m really confident. I need to be super honest with you. On the most wonderful holiday I’ve ever had, road tripping with my amazing boyfriend, I would regularly burst into tears. It seems my inner bully fancied a trip too. Spending long periods in the car as a passenger (I don’t drive, but that’s another post) meant I was trapped in my own thoughts and a lot of the time I wouldn’t even realise what was happening until it was too late. All of a sudden I’d get this creeping panicky feeling and then all of my worst fears would be at the forefront of my mind. “You’re not good enough, you’re never going to be happy, your boyfriend’s going to leave you, you’re going to end up alone, you’re unattractive, you’ve got nothing to offer anyone, you’d be more attractive if you were slimmer”. These thoughts tend to continue on autopilot until I’m completely overwhelmed, immobilised and driven to tears. As if that’s not bad enough I then get mad at myself for being this person. How can a grown woman have thoughts like this?

The truth is I don’t know. As much as I read about mental health I still don’t know why. I’m not in complete control of it but there are a couple of things I did that have massively helped. Firstly I had therapy so I have all of the work sheets and information on trying to change a negative mindset into a positive one. I also take sertraline which keeps me motivated and able to stay one small step ahead. When it comes to treatment I have a “whatever works” approach. Therapy isn’t for everyone but I didn’t want to start medication until I had a proper understanding of myself and what was happening. It was the best thing I’ve ever done but everyone’s different so, should you need to, do what’s best for you.

Fortunately these triggering thoughts don’t happen as often as they used to and I think I can link the times it is at its worst to my period, but I’d like to share some of the things I do to manage my anxiety with you.

Journal – get yourself a pretty notebook or a scrap of paper, even the back of an old envelope and start writing about how you feel. What makes you happy? Goals, achievements, worries. It’s much better to have these things on paper rather than in your head.

Track your mood – I use a period app called “moody” which lets me note down any tiny changes in my behaviour, bodily functions, moods, at the tap of a button.

Read a book – getting absorbed in somebody else’s life is a quick and easy way to forget about your own misfortunes.

Listen to a podcast – I will absolutely be doing a blog post on my favourite podcasts but for now go to the podcast app and search for “my dad wrote a porno”. You will not be disappointed.

Talk to someone – your partner, a friend, a colleague, your cat, even a stranger. The old proverb “a problem shared is a problem halved” is a well known one for a reason.

Let it out – sometimes you just need to cry. Put a sad song on, watch a sad film, get some tissues and have a good blub. If there’s one thing I learned from Friends it’s that crying lets the boo hoos out.

Rest – struggling with your mental health is exhausting physically and emotionally. Drink plenty of water, do some light exercise and get plenty of rest. The world will go on without you.

Sit with it – this is something I’ve practiced recently and it’s difficult but sometimes you just have to go through it instead of trying to fight it.

Exercise – I can’t believe I forgot this one! It just occurred to me as I came upstairs to do some yoga. I’ll do a post on exercise at some point because it’s something that doesn’t come naturally to me. In fact, I don’t really like it. I have to admit though that once I’ve done some I honestly do feel better. I get bored easily so I do a short half hour run (interspersed with walking) once or twice a week and I practice yoga at home when I can. There are some great YouTube tutors but I love Yoga with Adriene. There’s something for everyone so even if you only manage to do a little 10 minute session, you can.

If you managed to get to the bottom of this post I’m sending you virtual hugs and if not, stuff you! I have more important things to worry about. Like that thing I said to that person at a party 3 years ago that was maybe insulting…

If any of this resonates with you please let me know in the comments or send me a message. And I promise some much lighter posts are on their way! Namaste.