It’s here! The blog post you’ve all been waiting for, the thing that pushed me into starting this blog. The trip!
As some of you know myself and Joe recently drove to Croatia and back. That’s right, we drove to Croatia. In a car. There is so much to talk about with this trip that I’ve decided to break it down into separate posts so that I can go through everything. Tips on packing – things you’ll pack and most definitely use (cork screw), things you’ll pack and hope you won’t need to use but do (Imodium), things you’ll pack but never use (yoga mat). Actually that’s a lie, I used it for sun bathing.
Original floor tiles in the first Air bnb
Anyway maybe it’s best to start with how it all came about. As with all great ideas it started off as a throw away comment. A friend originally booked an Air bnb for 8 nights in Croatia. For personal reasons she thought she might not be able to make it so Joe being his lovely self told her that if she couldn’t make it we’d buy it off her. Just to put her mind at ease. She was obviously going to make it.
She couldn’t make it.
It actually came at the wrong time for us. We’d just bought a new oven and been stung with a back dated bill. We had around 6 weeks so save as much money as we could, book accommodation in 5 different countries, work our what to do with the cat for 2 weeks, fix the car that had developed an oil leak and work out how to drive from Hull to Croatia without air con and stay sane.
En route
It all worked out fine. We saved as much as we could (we’d eat dust if it meant 2 weeks travelling around Europe), the cat went to a cat chalet (she’s very fancy) and we swapped cars with Joe’s Mum who thankfully has air con and great car insurance.
Now there was just the small task of getting from Hull to Croatia in 3 days…
Ok, before we get into the really important blogging stuff like the hair that keeps growing out of my chin or the latest bargain in the middle aisle in Aldi we need to talk about mental health. My mental health in particular. So make yourself a cup of tea, get comfortable and let’s get this over with, like ripping of a plaster (or a facial wax strip).
The beginning.
I was always an anxious child. I used to worry about absolutely everything. It was the 90s and the gulf war and atomic bombs absolutely terrified me. If I laughed at an inappropriate joke I would torture myself and be convinced something bad would happen to me. I was 100% sure I would wake up one day and my mum wouldn’t be there so I had a little saying I’d repeat every night. “Night, love you, see you in the morning. You’re not going out are you?” I said this every night without fail for a long time. Over time and I’m not sure when it must have stopped. There’s a long period of my teenage years where I was “normal”. A happy, confident, dramatic teenager.
It didn’t become a problem again until after I had my son. I was 17 when I had him and 18 or 19 when I was first put on antidepressants. No one said it could be post natal. In fact it was years later when I realised that I probably had post natal depression. I still can’t really describe how I felt but I remember I couldn’t bear to see my face in a mirror and I cried constantly. I came off the antidepressants on my own and for years I was fine. Or so I thought.
The middle.
“Having fun isn’t the same as being happy”
Bryony Gordon
Although I seemed fine, thriving in fact, it turns out that I wasn’t. I was just avoiding reality. I went out a lot, I drank a lot, I smoked a lot, I spent a lot. I went from one terrible relationship to another avoiding real commitment at all costs. But it was all fine, because at least I wasn’t depressed, right? I recently read something Bryony Gordon (who I absolutely love) quoted which was “having fun isn’t the same as being happy”. I couldn’t believe it! I repeated it over and over in my head. Having fun isn’t the same as being happy? I had tricked myself into thinking that because I was out partying every weekend and having fun I was happy but I was actually miserable and terrified and scared of rejection. Who knew?
The present.
I won’t go into the whole thing, but it took a minor break down for me to get to where I am now. It’s important for me to tell you about the present because I know a lot of people who know me/follow me think I’m really confident. I need to be super honest with you. On the most wonderful holiday I’ve ever had, road tripping with my amazing boyfriend, I would regularly burst into tears. It seems my inner bully fancied a trip too. Spending long periods in the car as a passenger (I don’t drive, but that’s another post) meant I was trapped in my own thoughts and a lot of the time I wouldn’t even realise what was happening until it was too late. All of a sudden I’d get this creeping panicky feeling and then all of my worst fears would be at the forefront of my mind. “You’re not good enough, you’re never going to be happy, your boyfriend’s going to leave you, you’re going to end up alone, you’re unattractive, you’ve got nothing to offer anyone, you’d be more attractive if you were slimmer”. These thoughts tend to continue on autopilot until I’m completely overwhelmed, immobilised and driven to tears. As if that’s not bad enough I then get mad at myself for being this person. How can a grown woman have thoughts like this?
The truth is I don’t know. As much as I read about mental health I still don’t know why. I’m not in complete control of it but there are a couple of things I did that have massively helped. Firstly I had therapy so I have all of the work sheets and information on trying to change a negative mindset into a positive one. I also take sertraline which keeps me motivated and able to stay one small step ahead. When it comes to treatment I have a “whatever works” approach. Therapy isn’t for everyone but I didn’t want to start medication until I had a proper understanding of myself and what was happening. It was the best thing I’ve ever done but everyone’s different so, should you need to, do what’s best for you.
Fortunately these triggering thoughts don’t happen as often as they used to and I think I can link the times it is at its worst to my period, but I’d like to share some of the things I do to manage my anxiety with you.
Journal – get yourself a pretty notebook or a scrap of paper, even the back of an old envelope and start writing about how you feel. What makes you happy? Goals, achievements, worries. It’s much better to have these things on paper rather than in your head.
Trackyour mood – I use a period app called “moody” which lets me note down any tiny changes in my behaviour, bodily functions, moods, at the tap of a button.
Read a book – getting absorbed in somebody else’s life is a quick and easy way to forget about your own misfortunes.
Listen to a podcast – I will absolutely be doing a blog post on my favourite podcasts but for now go to the podcast app and search for “my dad wrote a porno”. You will not be disappointed.
Talk to someone – your partner, a friend, a colleague, your cat, even a stranger. The old proverb “a problem shared is a problem halved” is a well known one for a reason.
Let it out – sometimes you just need to cry. Put a sad song on, watch a sad film, get some tissues and have a good blub. If there’s one thing I learned from Friends it’s that crying lets the boo hoos out.
Rest – struggling with your mental health is exhausting physically and emotionally. Drink plenty of water, do some light exercise and get plenty of rest. The world will go on without you.
Sit with it – this is something I’ve practiced recently and it’s difficult but sometimes you just have to go through it instead of trying to fight it.
Exercise – I can’t believe I forgot this one! It just occurred to me as I came upstairs to do some yoga. I’ll do a post on exercise at some point because it’s something that doesn’t come naturally to me. In fact, I don’t really like it. I have to admit though that once I’ve done some I honestly do feel better. I get bored easily so I do a short half hour run (interspersed with walking) once or twice a week and I practice yoga at home when I can. There are some great YouTube tutors but I love Yoga with Adriene. There’s something for everyone so even if you only manage to do a little 10 minute session, you can.
If you managed to get to the bottom of this post I’m sending you virtual hugs and if not, stuff you! I have more important things to worry about. Like that thing I said to that person at a party 3 years ago that was maybe insulting…
If any of this resonates with you please let me know in the comments or send me a message. And I promise some much lighter posts are on their way! Namaste.
I have no idea what I’m doing. I say this a lot and think it even more. I’m sat on my bed surrounded by holiday clothes (that I’m supposed to be putting away) and I’ve found myself doing this instead. My first ever blog post!
If I carry on with this blog my procrastination will probably be a recurring theme. It happens a lot.
I’m starting this blog because I’ve spent years pondering things but not daring to say them out loud in case I was somehow, I don’t know, wrong?
*I need to add here that since starting this post it’s now the next morning. I’m sat on the sofa somewhere between making tea, baking cookies and contemplating my entire life. Told you I was good at procrastination*
Anyway, I didn’t used to be that way. I remember as a teenager I was on the path to being my true self. A natural feminist, confident in my own style – I lived on a council estate and was the ONLY person wearing tie dye skirts with bells on in a sea of Ellesse and Kappa tracksuits – and I didn’t care what anyone thought of me!
I don’t know what silenced that young, confident, curious girl. Society? Peers? Teenage motherhood?
I was lost for a very long time, most of my life. It got so bad I couldn’t see me at all. I didn’t know what to wear, what I liked, what I was supposed to be doing, who I was supposed to be and I got so overwhelmed by it all that it ultimately ended with a bit of a break down (in the attic of my parents house where I was back living).
That was a couple of years ago and since then – after therapy and medication – I can feel her coming back. It’s a slow process but it’s happening. So rather than a break down I now prefer to think of it as a build up.
The actual life of Riley 